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| September 25, 2018

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7 Terrible Reviews of Brighton Establishments

7 Terrible Reviews of Brighton Establishments
Jack Mitchell-Charman

Because we know that you love to feel paranoid when you’re out and about in Brighton

Today we have been scouring the corners of the net to find some crazy reviews about some well-known Brighton establishments. Taste is subjective and people are entitled to their own opinions, but these scathing reviews reveal the horror stories you could find yourself walking into.

 

Royal Albion Hotel

You would think that a hotel by the beautiful Brighton beach would offer a brilliant view for its guests. Well, clearly you aren’t this reviewer then.

“Our view was an air conditioning unit covered in pigeons and poo right outside our window”. I don’t think that’s a view Brighton is famous for?

Adding to the disappointing view was the fact that they “didn’t sleep a wink all night”, because of their “Hard as nails bed”.

At least this reviewer is kind enough to suggest an alternative for any future patrons: “don’t stay there, sleep in your car, you will have a much better night!”.

So the lesson here is: don’t stay in this room, and be sure to own a car. If you don’t own a car, it’s your fault for sleeping badly.

 

Spanish Lady

PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THIS SCATHING 2 STAR REVIEW, YOU WILL NEVER WANT TO VISIT HERE: “Great food”

This detailed analysis of the inner-structure of this establishment is a truly terrifying look into the deep, dark unknown of Brighton.

These words will linger with The Spanish Lady. Will the workers ever retain their dignity? Will the establishment ever be viewed with respect again? This reviewer has no heart.

 

Purezza

I can hear the collective sigh go up: THIS GUY IS WRITING ABOUT PUREZZA, BUT EVERYONE LOVES THAT PLACE! IS HE JUST TRYING TO BE CONTROVERSIAL?

Well, for the sake of balance, let’s see what bad times can await you at even the most prestigious Brighton haunts.

This review starts off on a horribly negative note: “Food was of good quality”. I’m shuddering already.

Furthering this 1 star experience is this paradoxical moment, in which the guests were given starters “before we were… given a chance to order”. How did the servers decide what starters to give them if they hadn’t ordered? Are the rumours true that to work in Purezza you have to be clairvoyant?

Apparently “the burger thing” (you know, Purezza’s famous ‘burger thing’ that we all know and love) was “nice enough”. However, this customer was treated to a horrible experience with their mac and cheese, which had “[too] much truffle oil”. The humanity!

However, this customer understands the intricacies of truffles, as “truffles are a delicate ingredient to use”. So who are we, a group of modest journalists, to judge this culinary expert?

 

Flour Pot Bakery

The cafe us cool Brighton people know and love (because we all know you’re cool if you have to tell yourself you are).

However, it seems that not everyone has had such a great time.

Although, reading this 2 star review, I’m not sure what the issue is: “Had to clear our own table, serve ourself cakes and got a tea bag for our trouble.”

Just sounds to me like these people were treated to a course in cafe working, AND they got tea out of it.

Put this on your CV and maybe you can one day do this for a living at the cafe you clearly love so much. People these days!

 

Pizza Knight

Lewes Road (student city)

One of the most beloved places for those students stranded on the Sussex campus in Falmer. The 2-for-1 deals are the stuff of dreams for those short on cash. However, despite its reputation as a convenient saviour of the hungry, this restaurant is not free from criticism.

Pizza Knight seems to have spurred a conspiracy theorist into action. According to a provocative reviewer, Pizza Knight “serve pigeon instead of chicken”. My question would be, how do you know what pigeon tastes like?

They then go on to state that it “could be human meat for all we know”. Yet again, how are you working this out?

So many questions, so few answers, despite the claim that they were taking “it to the lab to get verified”. The people of Brighton need the truth!

 

Jury’s Inn Brighton

If this reviewer is to believed, then the jury is out on the Jury Inn.

According to this unlucky reviewer, as well as their sleep being disrupted by “a security guard’s radio outside our room”, they suffered a true indignity.

When reaching for a pillow, a “condom fell on my head”. Luckily it was sealed, so don’t be too sorry.

And hey, at least they had a safe stay.

 

Jamie’s Italian

You know that friend who complains all the time about a band, despite the fact that they don’t actually have to listen to them? Well that person is this reviewer… and me.

Starting your review with “Never been in as never appeal to me”, would beg the question of why you then proceeded to go in. Clearly you were approaching this objectively.

And then, after complaining about the quality of the food by which they were not “not impressed at all”, they proceed to finish the review with: “To be honest was expecting more from this establishment”

WHAT…? I think this person needs to do some soul-searching to get to the bottom of their Jamie Oliver related confusions.

Well, my mind has truly been fried by wading through these crazy reviews. I hope you feel for me after having to read these.

 

 

 

 

 

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